The last month has been one of many emotional ups and downs as well as many moments where God has shown His faithfulness in the realist ways possible. However, despite those faithful moments, the Lord has said “No”.
November 7th:
I called Dr. Singleton’s office and told them Friday was the first day of my period and we were ready to go towards the process of I.U.I. That morning I went in for blood work and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they noticed I had at least 30 follicles (premature eggs) on each ovary…which due to PCOS that’s normal, however, on Metformin they expect that number to be a lot lower…for me…not the case. However, because of that they were just going to put me on Letrozole, fertility medicine to help the eggs mature, and not put me on shots just yet. They explained it like this: “in the 11 years we have been established, we have not once had a Jon and Kate plus 8 and we don’t plan on starting with you and Tyler. With that being said you are now High Risk to us. We are hopeful we won’t have to put you on shots and that this pill we are giving you will get your eggs to grown to the right size (18mm). We do want to warn you that we will need to see you every few days, just to make sure all your follicles have not dropped at the same time, which is a risk to you and if that happens…we STOP. We are confident they won’t and that the next time we see you those eggs will be the right size and we can move on with the I.U.I.” For this appointment I went alone, Tyler had to be at the school and just couldn’t take another day off from work. As I am processing all of this and listening I was encouraged. First they give us a 2% chance of having kids on our own…now they are saying We could be the next Jon and Kate plus 8….wow. This is AWESOME!
November 12th:
We went in to the doctor Saturday due to being high risk they wanted to see me earlier than they would a “normal” patient on Letrozole. When we went in, we were so encouraged and in good spirits. During my ultrasound, Dr. Singleton, said “your follicles are still in large numbers and have only grown to 9mm” still not enough to do the procedure. We can start you on injectables but that raises the procedure cost up about $3000.00 and We will need to start today. However, if you don’t want to do that, You really need to consider pulling the plug on this and starting next year. You’re body just isn’t responding to the pill. We need to be more aggressive”. At this point the Doctor left to give Tyler and I a moment to talk about what we were going to do. As soon as the door shut, Tyler wrapped his arms around me and I started sobbing. We didn’t have $3000.00 extra to spend THAT DAY….our savings was running out. The whole procedure was becoming more than we thought. "We have to pull the plug". As soon as that came out of my mouth Dr. Singleton popped her head back in and said “you know, I think we had you come in too soon…usually we don’t see patients after taking 5 days of Letrozole until day 8 or 9. You are now on day 6. Let’s give it the rest of the weekend. Come in on Monday and we will do another ultrasound. Maybe they just need a little more time.” Still I was sobbing but agreed to come back Monday.
November 14th:
Another appointment….meaning another $600.00 insurance does not pay for. At this point…we have spent thousands of dollars on this process…and have gotten no where. Please Lord let these eggs grow.
The ultrasound showed that the eggs had grown 4 mm. We were now up to 13mm. Good! The doctors (3 at this point) were talking high hopes and said come back in on Wednesday, we will take another look to make sure they have grown to the point that we need, and this weekend, be prepared for us to do the I.U.I. Wow…total turn around, I was ecstatic!!! God had answered our prayers. Those prayers of “Lord, if this isn’t what you want for us…slam the door in our face and help us to accept your answer” Well, his answer was obvious…YES!
November 17th:
Went in for ANOTHER ultrasound and blood work. Before all that took place Dr. Singleton's nurse Cherie pulled me to her office and said that Dr. Singleton was no longer with the practice and that Dr. McCarthy-Keith, a new physician there, would be my doctor. At this point I just wanted good news so I was fine with a new doctor and a new hurdle so let's just move on. During the ultrasound, the doctor saw no change. She said “the eggs have not grown anymore than they did Monday and we are running out of time and truly need to wait until next month and just start over. Clearly, we under estimated you and your body. You need the shots and pill for this process to work…you just can’t do it with just one or the other. We thought you could…but your body is telling us something else.” At that point, I took a deep breath and said “we can’t do the shots right now…Money is coming close to dry and we just can’t afford the shots. We are paying $600.00 each time I come in to your office…Money is gone.” Right then the nurse, Cherie (we LOVE her), piped up and said “I’ll get you the shots for free”. I lit up like a Christmas tree! I was so grateful for her. However, my bubble bust when my “new doctor” Dr. McCarthy-Keith said “even if you take these shots…it’s too late. We will give you the shots, just to make sure your body reacts to them…then we will know for the next time to do the shots and the pills together”. I sunk….but said ok. They taught me how to do the shots and I left with an appointment to come back Monday November 21st to see what it did…being told…it would be nothing…but still had to come in.
That night, I came home and waited on Tyler to get home to tell him everything…crying most of the time and dreading repeating what the doctor told me that day. In between the tears I noticed our sweet Milli was throwing up. Of course, icing on the cake. I cleaned up the mess and started crying again….however, the throwing up didn’t stop…didn’t stop for 20 minutes. She then started moaning like she was in pain. Those of you who know Milli, know she is HYPER and ALWAYS on the go…tonight, she was still and motionless. I called my dad (Tyler still wasn’t home) and told him what was going on. He told me she needed to go to the doggy ER. I started sobbing again explaining to my dad that we can’t afford to take her to the ER…we have financially exhausted ourselves on a baby and that has gotten us no where and the thought of paying 500+ dollars to the vet just wasn’t there tonight. However, the Lord has blessed me with such a gracious earthly father and he said he would pay for the visit and to just take her. We spent that night in the ER with Milli getting Xrays and blood work. Come to find out, Milli had a really bad bacteria infection and needed medicine ASAP…good thing we took her. Finally, we got home….after the most emotionally exhausting day of our lives….at 2AM.
During this weekend of shots, dog being sick, and being exhausted in every way possible, we prayed like we had never prayed before. Peace was overwhelming and we had come to the realization that it was obvious that this is not what God wanted and he was closing the door. We were done.
November 21st:
Tyler and I both went to the doctor that day….for each others emotional support. I was honestly ready to get in there…do the ultrasound, tell me nothing had changed, and let me leave. However, 3 eggs had grown to 15mm!!!! We only had 3mm to go and we could do an I.U.I. We were in shock….the doctors were in shock! They explained that if we wanted, we could finish the injectable shots they gave me, then Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) do the “trigger shot”(which tells the body to release the eggs) and Friday come in for the I.U.I. All this would cost us another $600.00 and We didn’t know if we could do the I.U.I due to money but we would do the rest of the injectable and the trigger shot and we would let them know tomorrow if we would be able to do the I.U.I. That night, we were in amazement how God opened a door we thought he had closed. Praising Him and praying for a way to be able to do the I.U.I the day after thanksgiving. That night….around 9:30 PM my sister called bought our elliptical that we had been trying to sell for MONTHS for the EXACT amount we needed to pay for the I.U.I to finish our process (keep in mind she had no clue of that days events!). Yet another door God opened for us, we knew at that point, this is what God REALLY wanted for us. The outcome HAD to be a baby! He had provided and brought us through so much…unbelievable how much our faith had grown during this time!
November 22nd
My sister in law gave me my trigger shot…because I just couldn’t give it to myself. It was definitely an ordeal! Ha ha so thankful she works for a doctor and knew what she was doing!
November 23rd
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I woke up that morning and took an ovulation test…being told by our wonderful nurse Cherie that if we took one today we would see a positive and of course I wanted to take one so we could have record of the FIRST positive ovulations test EVER and the beginning of our sweet baby. Surprisingly enough, The test was negative. “WHAT” I said….in total panic. I called the on call nurse at the reproductive center and she said they would just take blood tomorrow before the procedure to figure out what was going on and to just enjoy thanksgiving! “yeah right lady!” I took another test about 3 hours later hoping for a positive and IT WAS!!!! I took about a million pictures on my phone I was so excited! That night we got home from LaGrange and I took another test because I wanted to take a picture with my “real” camera, not just my I phone and to just make sure it had stayed positive. However, the test was NEGATIVE. I broke down…totally clueless and worried for tomorrow. Tyler kept trying to calm me down saying “God brought us this far…he isn’t going to drop us”
November 24th:
BLACK FRIDAY…but for us….BABY DAY! We had to be at Georgia Reproductive at 8:00AM. Tyler went back and gave his “donation” and we waited. They took us both back at 9:30AM and we waited for the actual insemination process to start. FINALLY at 10:30 AM they came in to start the process on me. The whole thing took about 30 minutes and then I had to lay there for 10 minutes…just in case. The nice thing with an I.U.I is that they inject Tyler’s “donation” directly into the uterus…giving you a better chance to conceive leaving less chance of losing most of the “donation”. I went to work right after the procedure and Tyler went hunting with his best friend in South Georgia….and the waiting began. Two weeks of waiting waiting waiting….
TWO WEEKS:
During this two weeks I’d become exhausted, sore breast, moody, and all the symptoms you would think if you were pregnant. I kept saying I wasn’t just so I wouldn’t be hurt if the test December 9th showed up negative….even though I would be devastated. Tyler and I just kept saying how we were so sure we were pregnant because God had kept opening doors for us to continue the process. However, this week, I started spotting. Still trying to be positive I thought “oh tons of woman spot in early pregnancy…but I spot before my period starts…oh Lord no!” Well, spotting stopped and I went on my merry way just waiting for December 9th. J
December 7th:
My period started….and a negative pregnancy test (just in case). I held it together the rest of the day at work, but when I got home….I broke down. That night I was in the shower (alone in the house due to Tyler having an important football region placement meeting in Dalton) and started crying out “GOD WHY!? WHY DID YOU LET US KEEP GOING TO JUST SLAM THE DOOR AT THE END. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US….YOU’VE HURT ME. WHY WOULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS? WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THIS….WE ASKED YOU TO STOP IT AND YOU DIDN’T….AND NOW YOU DECIDE TO STOP IT….WHY?? WHY DID YOU LET US WASTE SEVERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON THIS…JUST TO PULL THE PLUG!? WHY DID YOU PLAY GAMES WITH US???!!!!” Although to some, you may think that was disrespectful and doubting God, to me, it was me being TRULY honest with my heavenly Father….and questioning the ONLY on who truly has all the answers and I think He was ok with that.
TODAY:
We are still emotionally, physically, and financially exhausted at this point. It’s only been 2 days since the door was permanently closed (at this point) and we have decided that we are officially taking a break from all of this. We cannot for our marriage, for our finances, and for our sanity continue another month of this. We have never been more exhausted than this and we need REST. We also need a spiritual recharge. Not for one second have I turned my back on God nor will I…however, to be honest, my Heavenly Father has hurt my feelings and I need to spend time seeking strength to accept His answer and His will right now. As far as financially….we are still paying our bills and have money to spare so we have no room to complain, however, we have spent all of our savings on this…so it's time to replenish. This time we know how much this process will cost us (due to being high risk) and we can plan accordingly. However, during this several months of a break we are about to go on, we will be seeking God's face to see if this is TRULY his will or if it is our will we are trying to make His will. We know with all our hearts that Jesus died on the cross for US knowing we would doubt this, and knowing that we might reject Him at times…however, HE STILL DIED FOR US! Why would the Man who died for us want to hurt us??? HE WOULDN'T! However, He understands our questions and wants us to be vulnerable with him, and right now, Tyler and I are being as vulnerable as possible. So much so that it's a grieving process. We believe that God has a plan and a purpose and that clearly we are not informed of that plan…and for good reason! God is still good and we WILL NOT LET SATAN GET THE VICTORY OVER US!!! May God grant us the grace to have the strength to accept his answer as "no" at this point and that he would show us the next path he would like us to take. We know he will do all those things and because of that...Now we can finally rest.
Thank you all for your prayers and we ask that you continue to pray for us as we take this time to rest in the arms of our precious Savior.
Much Love to you all:
Tyler and Brittany
November 7th:
I called Dr. Singleton’s office and told them Friday was the first day of my period and we were ready to go towards the process of I.U.I. That morning I went in for blood work and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound they noticed I had at least 30 follicles (premature eggs) on each ovary…which due to PCOS that’s normal, however, on Metformin they expect that number to be a lot lower…for me…not the case. However, because of that they were just going to put me on Letrozole, fertility medicine to help the eggs mature, and not put me on shots just yet. They explained it like this: “in the 11 years we have been established, we have not once had a Jon and Kate plus 8 and we don’t plan on starting with you and Tyler. With that being said you are now High Risk to us. We are hopeful we won’t have to put you on shots and that this pill we are giving you will get your eggs to grown to the right size (18mm). We do want to warn you that we will need to see you every few days, just to make sure all your follicles have not dropped at the same time, which is a risk to you and if that happens…we STOP. We are confident they won’t and that the next time we see you those eggs will be the right size and we can move on with the I.U.I.” For this appointment I went alone, Tyler had to be at the school and just couldn’t take another day off from work. As I am processing all of this and listening I was encouraged. First they give us a 2% chance of having kids on our own…now they are saying We could be the next Jon and Kate plus 8….wow. This is AWESOME!
November 12th:
We went in to the doctor Saturday due to being high risk they wanted to see me earlier than they would a “normal” patient on Letrozole. When we went in, we were so encouraged and in good spirits. During my ultrasound, Dr. Singleton, said “your follicles are still in large numbers and have only grown to 9mm” still not enough to do the procedure. We can start you on injectables but that raises the procedure cost up about $3000.00 and We will need to start today. However, if you don’t want to do that, You really need to consider pulling the plug on this and starting next year. You’re body just isn’t responding to the pill. We need to be more aggressive”. At this point the Doctor left to give Tyler and I a moment to talk about what we were going to do. As soon as the door shut, Tyler wrapped his arms around me and I started sobbing. We didn’t have $3000.00 extra to spend THAT DAY….our savings was running out. The whole procedure was becoming more than we thought. "We have to pull the plug". As soon as that came out of my mouth Dr. Singleton popped her head back in and said “you know, I think we had you come in too soon…usually we don’t see patients after taking 5 days of Letrozole until day 8 or 9. You are now on day 6. Let’s give it the rest of the weekend. Come in on Monday and we will do another ultrasound. Maybe they just need a little more time.” Still I was sobbing but agreed to come back Monday.
November 14th:
Another appointment….meaning another $600.00 insurance does not pay for. At this point…we have spent thousands of dollars on this process…and have gotten no where. Please Lord let these eggs grow.
The ultrasound showed that the eggs had grown 4 mm. We were now up to 13mm. Good! The doctors (3 at this point) were talking high hopes and said come back in on Wednesday, we will take another look to make sure they have grown to the point that we need, and this weekend, be prepared for us to do the I.U.I. Wow…total turn around, I was ecstatic!!! God had answered our prayers. Those prayers of “Lord, if this isn’t what you want for us…slam the door in our face and help us to accept your answer” Well, his answer was obvious…YES!
November 17th:
Went in for ANOTHER ultrasound and blood work. Before all that took place Dr. Singleton's nurse Cherie pulled me to her office and said that Dr. Singleton was no longer with the practice and that Dr. McCarthy-Keith, a new physician there, would be my doctor. At this point I just wanted good news so I was fine with a new doctor and a new hurdle so let's just move on. During the ultrasound, the doctor saw no change. She said “the eggs have not grown anymore than they did Monday and we are running out of time and truly need to wait until next month and just start over. Clearly, we under estimated you and your body. You need the shots and pill for this process to work…you just can’t do it with just one or the other. We thought you could…but your body is telling us something else.” At that point, I took a deep breath and said “we can’t do the shots right now…Money is coming close to dry and we just can’t afford the shots. We are paying $600.00 each time I come in to your office…Money is gone.” Right then the nurse, Cherie (we LOVE her), piped up and said “I’ll get you the shots for free”. I lit up like a Christmas tree! I was so grateful for her. However, my bubble bust when my “new doctor” Dr. McCarthy-Keith said “even if you take these shots…it’s too late. We will give you the shots, just to make sure your body reacts to them…then we will know for the next time to do the shots and the pills together”. I sunk….but said ok. They taught me how to do the shots and I left with an appointment to come back Monday November 21st to see what it did…being told…it would be nothing…but still had to come in.
That night, I came home and waited on Tyler to get home to tell him everything…crying most of the time and dreading repeating what the doctor told me that day. In between the tears I noticed our sweet Milli was throwing up. Of course, icing on the cake. I cleaned up the mess and started crying again….however, the throwing up didn’t stop…didn’t stop for 20 minutes. She then started moaning like she was in pain. Those of you who know Milli, know she is HYPER and ALWAYS on the go…tonight, she was still and motionless. I called my dad (Tyler still wasn’t home) and told him what was going on. He told me she needed to go to the doggy ER. I started sobbing again explaining to my dad that we can’t afford to take her to the ER…we have financially exhausted ourselves on a baby and that has gotten us no where and the thought of paying 500+ dollars to the vet just wasn’t there tonight. However, the Lord has blessed me with such a gracious earthly father and he said he would pay for the visit and to just take her. We spent that night in the ER with Milli getting Xrays and blood work. Come to find out, Milli had a really bad bacteria infection and needed medicine ASAP…good thing we took her. Finally, we got home….after the most emotionally exhausting day of our lives….at 2AM.
During this weekend of shots, dog being sick, and being exhausted in every way possible, we prayed like we had never prayed before. Peace was overwhelming and we had come to the realization that it was obvious that this is not what God wanted and he was closing the door. We were done.
November 21st:
Tyler and I both went to the doctor that day….for each others emotional support. I was honestly ready to get in there…do the ultrasound, tell me nothing had changed, and let me leave. However, 3 eggs had grown to 15mm!!!! We only had 3mm to go and we could do an I.U.I. We were in shock….the doctors were in shock! They explained that if we wanted, we could finish the injectable shots they gave me, then Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) do the “trigger shot”(which tells the body to release the eggs) and Friday come in for the I.U.I. All this would cost us another $600.00 and We didn’t know if we could do the I.U.I due to money but we would do the rest of the injectable and the trigger shot and we would let them know tomorrow if we would be able to do the I.U.I. That night, we were in amazement how God opened a door we thought he had closed. Praising Him and praying for a way to be able to do the I.U.I the day after thanksgiving. That night….around 9:30 PM my sister called bought our elliptical that we had been trying to sell for MONTHS for the EXACT amount we needed to pay for the I.U.I to finish our process (keep in mind she had no clue of that days events!). Yet another door God opened for us, we knew at that point, this is what God REALLY wanted for us. The outcome HAD to be a baby! He had provided and brought us through so much…unbelievable how much our faith had grown during this time!
November 22nd
My sister in law gave me my trigger shot…because I just couldn’t give it to myself. It was definitely an ordeal! Ha ha so thankful she works for a doctor and knew what she was doing!
November 23rd
HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I woke up that morning and took an ovulation test…being told by our wonderful nurse Cherie that if we took one today we would see a positive and of course I wanted to take one so we could have record of the FIRST positive ovulations test EVER and the beginning of our sweet baby. Surprisingly enough, The test was negative. “WHAT” I said….in total panic. I called the on call nurse at the reproductive center and she said they would just take blood tomorrow before the procedure to figure out what was going on and to just enjoy thanksgiving! “yeah right lady!” I took another test about 3 hours later hoping for a positive and IT WAS!!!! I took about a million pictures on my phone I was so excited! That night we got home from LaGrange and I took another test because I wanted to take a picture with my “real” camera, not just my I phone and to just make sure it had stayed positive. However, the test was NEGATIVE. I broke down…totally clueless and worried for tomorrow. Tyler kept trying to calm me down saying “God brought us this far…he isn’t going to drop us”
November 24th:
BLACK FRIDAY…but for us….BABY DAY! We had to be at Georgia Reproductive at 8:00AM. Tyler went back and gave his “donation” and we waited. They took us both back at 9:30AM and we waited for the actual insemination process to start. FINALLY at 10:30 AM they came in to start the process on me. The whole thing took about 30 minutes and then I had to lay there for 10 minutes…just in case. The nice thing with an I.U.I is that they inject Tyler’s “donation” directly into the uterus…giving you a better chance to conceive leaving less chance of losing most of the “donation”. I went to work right after the procedure and Tyler went hunting with his best friend in South Georgia….and the waiting began. Two weeks of waiting waiting waiting….
TWO WEEKS:
During this two weeks I’d become exhausted, sore breast, moody, and all the symptoms you would think if you were pregnant. I kept saying I wasn’t just so I wouldn’t be hurt if the test December 9th showed up negative….even though I would be devastated. Tyler and I just kept saying how we were so sure we were pregnant because God had kept opening doors for us to continue the process. However, this week, I started spotting. Still trying to be positive I thought “oh tons of woman spot in early pregnancy…but I spot before my period starts…oh Lord no!” Well, spotting stopped and I went on my merry way just waiting for December 9th. J
December 7th:
My period started….and a negative pregnancy test (just in case). I held it together the rest of the day at work, but when I got home….I broke down. That night I was in the shower (alone in the house due to Tyler having an important football region placement meeting in Dalton) and started crying out “GOD WHY!? WHY DID YOU LET US KEEP GOING TO JUST SLAM THE DOOR AT THE END. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO US….YOU’VE HURT ME. WHY WOULD YOU HURT ME LIKE THIS? WHY DIDN’T YOU STOP THIS….WE ASKED YOU TO STOP IT AND YOU DIDN’T….AND NOW YOU DECIDE TO STOP IT….WHY?? WHY DID YOU LET US WASTE SEVERAL THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS ON THIS…JUST TO PULL THE PLUG!? WHY DID YOU PLAY GAMES WITH US???!!!!” Although to some, you may think that was disrespectful and doubting God, to me, it was me being TRULY honest with my heavenly Father….and questioning the ONLY on who truly has all the answers and I think He was ok with that.
TODAY:
We are still emotionally, physically, and financially exhausted at this point. It’s only been 2 days since the door was permanently closed (at this point) and we have decided that we are officially taking a break from all of this. We cannot for our marriage, for our finances, and for our sanity continue another month of this. We have never been more exhausted than this and we need REST. We also need a spiritual recharge. Not for one second have I turned my back on God nor will I…however, to be honest, my Heavenly Father has hurt my feelings and I need to spend time seeking strength to accept His answer and His will right now. As far as financially….we are still paying our bills and have money to spare so we have no room to complain, however, we have spent all of our savings on this…so it's time to replenish. This time we know how much this process will cost us (due to being high risk) and we can plan accordingly. However, during this several months of a break we are about to go on, we will be seeking God's face to see if this is TRULY his will or if it is our will we are trying to make His will. We know with all our hearts that Jesus died on the cross for US knowing we would doubt this, and knowing that we might reject Him at times…however, HE STILL DIED FOR US! Why would the Man who died for us want to hurt us??? HE WOULDN'T! However, He understands our questions and wants us to be vulnerable with him, and right now, Tyler and I are being as vulnerable as possible. So much so that it's a grieving process. We believe that God has a plan and a purpose and that clearly we are not informed of that plan…and for good reason! God is still good and we WILL NOT LET SATAN GET THE VICTORY OVER US!!! May God grant us the grace to have the strength to accept his answer as "no" at this point and that he would show us the next path he would like us to take. We know he will do all those things and because of that...Now we can finally rest.
Thank you all for your prayers and we ask that you continue to pray for us as we take this time to rest in the arms of our precious Savior.
Much Love to you all:
Tyler and Brittany
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