On October 17th, it will be one month since we received a text that changed our world. A text that told us the little boy we were growing in our hearts would no longer be in our arms. It’s been a month of questions, A month of wrestling, a month of tears, a month of silence, a month of wondering why, a month of trying to put pieces back together, a month of heart break, a month of hell on earth, a month of learning to breathe a little differently, a month of surviving, a month of being on our knees because standing was too hard, a month of being stuck, and a month of leaning into a Heavenly Father that right now...takes away. As I sit here in a quiet living room with just my thoughts reflecting over the last 30 days it’s hard to keep typing. Not because I don’t know what To type, but because It still hurts. Don’t get me wrong, we have more good days than bad right now, but the bad still hurts more than I can put into this blog. We think daily of this little baby boy....is he’s ok, is he loved, is he taken care of, is he heard when he cries, is he warm, is he hungry, does he know he is loved? These thoughts run through our head daily. Each time I stop and pray pleeding with God to meet all of his needs and that he would send angels to cover Him. As we reflect on this past month of being at the lowest of lows, we have never been angry. We have never regretted anything we did and would do it all over again. As crazy as it sounds... and Even with the INDESCRIBABLE amount of pain it ended in, we would do it all over again. We still do not know why this happened and we are coming to terms with the fact that we probably never will. However, the thing we have held on to the most is that GOD IS FOR US. We have no idea why he allowed this to happen to our family and why he took this baby boy from us...but we do know he promises us that his plans are to PROSPER us NOT to HARM us. Plans to give us a HOPE and a FUTURE. We continue to feel helpless, but we have more hope than I could ever express in this little blog of reflection. We have hope that God will fulfil his promise to grow our family through adoption. We have The hope that our future has some amazing things ahead even if we cant see them right now. We have the hope that HE has us right where HE wants us. And we have the hope that our Heavenly Father does not waste the tears of his own children. At the lowest of lows we have HOPE in the very one that died for us so that we could feel this hope for eternity. So in our moments of weakness we feel so strong in the promises that GOD HAS US AND GOD IS FOR US. We will forever pray for this little baby boy and his mother...and we will forever be changed by this and we will truly never be the same. However, more than anything, I pray that we are forever changed in the sovereignty of God and that his grace is sufficient for us. Not was sufficient...or will be...but our Lord and Saviors grace IS SUFFICIENT FOR US ALWAYS.
I could continue on, but I want to answer the question we get asked the most these days... “what’s next” for our family. Right now our family is continuing to “heal” from this miscarriage of the heart. Breathing is getting easier even though I don’t think it will ever be the same as it use to be...and that’s ok, because this was a huge thing that happened to us and we will forever carry it. In the last couple weeks we have opened the door to “Dax’s” nursery as a symbol that our hearts are NOT closed to God’s promises and that we are still holding tight to those very promises. Each time we pass the nursery we pray for God to give us strength and to fulfil his promise of a baby for us. With that being said, our plan is to continue with growing our family through adoption. Before we were approached privately to adopt we were working with an adoption agency to get things together that they require for us to begin being presented to birth mothers. We have just a couple things left to get done for our agency and we have just now started picking up where we left off so we can offically start being shown to birth mothers. We are doing these last couple things SLOWLY as we are still trying to make sure we deal with each aspect of the loss we have just experienced. We want to be able to FULLY give ourselves to another baby and feel if we don’t “heal” completely from this loss...we won’t be able to do that. With all that being said, please pray for us as our goal, Lord willing, is to have everything completed and turned in to our agency by the end of this month. After things are turned in we basically just wait to be matched with a birth mother through our agency...that is unless God brings us another situation privately we feel he wants us to pursue. All this seems overwhelming to us right now,because our wounds are so fresh, however, like I have said numerous times we are HOPEFUL in our Heavenly Father and his plans for our family. In our darkest days he has shown himself to us in ways we have never experienced before. Our family is stronger together and although losing this baby will NEVER be “ok” we will continue to make it through this and will forever praise Our Savior through it all. We are eager to see what he has in store for us and ask each of you to continue to pray for our family. Pray for us to have strength to breathe a little different than before, pray for us as we slowly move on to whatever God has in store, and pray for encouragement and love on those days its just a little hard to breathe differently. We cannot thank each of you enough for praying for us and loving us through this last month. We pray our story brings glory to our Heavenly Father always and forever.
Love,
Tyler and Brittany
I could continue on, but I want to answer the question we get asked the most these days... “what’s next” for our family. Right now our family is continuing to “heal” from this miscarriage of the heart. Breathing is getting easier even though I don’t think it will ever be the same as it use to be...and that’s ok, because this was a huge thing that happened to us and we will forever carry it. In the last couple weeks we have opened the door to “Dax’s” nursery as a symbol that our hearts are NOT closed to God’s promises and that we are still holding tight to those very promises. Each time we pass the nursery we pray for God to give us strength and to fulfil his promise of a baby for us. With that being said, our plan is to continue with growing our family through adoption. Before we were approached privately to adopt we were working with an adoption agency to get things together that they require for us to begin being presented to birth mothers. We have just a couple things left to get done for our agency and we have just now started picking up where we left off so we can offically start being shown to birth mothers. We are doing these last couple things SLOWLY as we are still trying to make sure we deal with each aspect of the loss we have just experienced. We want to be able to FULLY give ourselves to another baby and feel if we don’t “heal” completely from this loss...we won’t be able to do that. With all that being said, please pray for us as our goal, Lord willing, is to have everything completed and turned in to our agency by the end of this month. After things are turned in we basically just wait to be matched with a birth mother through our agency...that is unless God brings us another situation privately we feel he wants us to pursue. All this seems overwhelming to us right now,because our wounds are so fresh, however, like I have said numerous times we are HOPEFUL in our Heavenly Father and his plans for our family. In our darkest days he has shown himself to us in ways we have never experienced before. Our family is stronger together and although losing this baby will NEVER be “ok” we will continue to make it through this and will forever praise Our Savior through it all. We are eager to see what he has in store for us and ask each of you to continue to pray for our family. Pray for us to have strength to breathe a little different than before, pray for us as we slowly move on to whatever God has in store, and pray for encouragement and love on those days its just a little hard to breathe differently. We cannot thank each of you enough for praying for us and loving us through this last month. We pray our story brings glory to our Heavenly Father always and forever.
Love,
Tyler and Brittany
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