Skip to main content

On the Journey back to Wholeness....

      
It’s been a little over two weeks since our fertility journey came to a surprising halt, and normal life just doesn’t feel quite right.

Since everything has stopped we’ve been noticing that marriage and day to day life just isn’t flowing smoothly…like we assumed it would. See, we have been so involved in this crazy fertility journey, that “normal” life/marriage was just that….a fertility journey. We are trying to get adjusted to life without doctors, hormones (extra, that is), schedules, and not spending thousands of dollars a week….and to be honest….I hate it. I thought I hated the journey we just stopped, however, this “new” journey through normalcy, well, for lack of a better word….sucks! I know I sound like a complete brat right now, and most of you probably do not get one word of this post, however, I have to show you the “sucky” part before I can show you what the conclusion has been.

My thoughts/Life the past Couple Weeks:
(Disclaimer…this is pretty honest people….but truly from my heart)

When Fighting is Un-normal...
Since everything came to a halt, Tyler and I have been “off”. When I say off I mean living our own day to day lives separately, without connection, future plans, and we have been constantly picking at each other. It seems like nothing Tyler does is good with me. I feel like I have one nerve left…and he’s on it. I’ve never felt that way, constantly, before. Of course at one point or another your spouse is going to get on your nerves…but it’s been over two weeks of getting on my nerves. Don’t get me wrong I love my husband, but I’ve been so annoyed. I can’t say that I’ve been a jewel to live with, but who cares….I can’t seem to just be happy with ANYTHING.

I DON’T Wanna Talk….
The last thing that I’ve wanted to do lately is “talk”…to my family, my husband, even friends….I don’t want to talk about how I’m “feeling” or hear one more time that “once you stop trying, that’s when you’ll get pregnant!” For real people….if you can just “stop” thinking about having a baby after you’ve been struggling with infertility, you’re a miracle and need to write a book. I can promise I will be the first person to buy it!

When God seems Far….
To be honest, some days I feel at peace with God’s answer. I feel this amazing strength that I know comes from HIM and HIM alone. Then there are days, that I’m mad and confused with HIS answer. I feel so distant from HIM. It’s such a weird place to be. I know God is love, and I know HE has a plan…but it sure would be nice if HE would just work with MY plans. However, if HE did, HE would not be my Savior.


Things I’ve learned lately….
God sometimes isn’t fair. Sometimes we don’t understand WHY the heck things happen to us. If we just stop trying to figure it all out, we will find peace. Not in ourselves, but in our Savior. See, lately, I’ve been blaming my misery on EVERYONE but myself. Happiness is a choice. I’ve been choosing to be unhappy and trying to blame that feeling on everyone but myself, and my issues. I’ve let Satan make me bitter. I’ve been following his feelings instead of praying for God to give me strength to overcome Satan’s hold. I’ve been rolling around in bitterness, anger, and self pity. I can blame my husband for being annoying all I want, but until I take a step back and realize I just might be the one that’s annoying…I’m not only miserable, but I’m making my husband miserable. It’s so embarrassing to admit that, but it’s true. I have literally been making my husband miserable so that I have some sense of justification for my attitude and actions. Thank you Lord for such a patient, loving husband who deals with me. Thank you Lord that my husband tells me daily he’s praying for me. Tyler told me a few days ago that he noticed my misery…and told me he has been praying that the Lord help him be the man he needs to be for me. I have been so blinded I haven’t noticed what my husband has been doing. He’s been LOVING me through this time. As Tyler said the other night…”Brit, God wants me to tell you this…He wants to be EVERYTHING to you. He defines you….not a baby…and not our circumstances” WOW, God just used my husband to smack me in the face.

My relationship with God doesn’t seem distant because HE has moved…it’s because I have moved. My advice to anyone being in a “misery” state…take a step back. Only one person can truly make you miserable, and that’s YOU. Happiness is a choice, and I’ve chosen to be unhappy, but NO MORE! I refuse to let this season in my life define me. I give my precious Savior my heart again, and pray that HE defines me and that HE shines through me. This game I’ve been playing is old. I’m done making everyone around me miserable. My new focus is not on a baby…but on my heart. Getting myself, my marriage, and my life back on track. Just because God closed a door, doesn’t mean HE isn’t going to open some window that opens another one and another one. However, I do believe until I get back to where I need to be and get this bitterness and misery out of my heart, the Lord will not be opening any windows. HIS most important plan for me right now, is making my broken heart whole….but HE can only do that if I allow HIM to.

So this whole crazy blog post, is to simply publicly say “ I’M READY FOR MY SAVIOR TO MAKE ME WHOLE AGAIN…no more games, no more pity parties….it’s time to jump in to my Savior with both feet and swim like I’ve never swam before!!!”


On the Journey back to Wholeness,
        Brittany

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One Month of Breathing Differently...

On October 17th, it will be one month since we received a text that changed our world. A text that told us the little boy we were growing in our hearts would no longer be in our arms. It’s been a month of questions, A month of wrestling, a month of tears, a month of silence, a month of wondering why, a month of trying to put pieces back together, a month of heart break, a month of hell on earth, a month of learning to breathe a little differently, a month of surviving, a month of being on our knees because standing was too hard, a month of being stuck, and a month of leaning into a Heavenly Father that right now...takes away. As I sit here in a quiet living room with just my thoughts reflecting over the last 30 days it’s hard to keep typing. Not because I don’t know what To type, but because It still hurts. Don’t get me wrong, we have more good days than bad right now, but the bad still hurts more than I can put into this blog. We think daily of this little baby boy....is he’s ok, is h...
Post a Comment
Read more

Even If you don’t, Our hope is YOU alone.

Monday (Sept 10th) started like any other day in our house...we woke up...late. Ate breakfast in the car and headed off to school. My parents were in town so when I got home from dropping the kids off my momma and I headed to the outlets to do some baby shopping. Walking into Carters again after years of being away was a dream. All the newborn/ 0-3 month clothes screamed at me. I could have taken every outfit home but settled on a handful and rushed off to meet Tyler at the field. We were heading to meet with our attorney and our birth mother to sign some “pre-birth” paperwork and to make sure everyone understood what each line meant and no questions were left unanswered. Everything was signed and we left with giant smiles on our face. Our little boy was due in two weeks and we were ready! The following days I had tried a couple times to get ahold of our birth mother. However, I got no answers. I didn’t think much of it because she admitted she is horrible at getting back with people. ...
3 comments
Read more

God’s Plan All Along...

TODAY, January 18th, we have been a family of 5 for 6 weeks....and TODAY is also our baby boy’s 12 week birthday!!!! I felt it was fitting to FINALLY share our story of Dax Ivan Griffin.  On September 17th, we lost the baby boy we “thought” God had for us. Since that day we have wrestled a lot. We wrestled with why God would give and take away...and why God called us to grow our family through adoption only to leave us hurt and confused. We had decided to hold off on finishing our paperwork for our adoption agency until the beginning of the new year. We wanted to get through the Holidays and then start the process fresh at the first of the year. However, God had a different plan. With that being said here is our attempt to share “God’s plan all along”.  Thursday, November 29th started like any other day. I woke up late...trying to get the kids dressed and out the door early because, they had school and I was working at the school that day too. We rolled in on two wheels...
2 comments
Read more