It’s not a dream...It’s our reality.

For the last 6 days I have woke up praying I was in a dream and that last week never happened. However, each day I wake up and realize it is not a dream...it’s our reality. Today marks a week of walking our reality. Today was also supposed to be our last baby shower before our sweet baby boy was to be born. It was supposed to be a day of celebrating what was to come for our family. Our baby boy was to be in our arms this week...Friday the 28th to be exact. However, today we are not celebrating but rather learning to breathe through the tears, shock, and pain that we will not have this baby boy in our arms on Friday. That reality still isn’t one I want to accept but one that I am praying through to accept. From the first day we said yes to this baby boy we knew heartache could come...however, nothing prepares you for that small chance it happens. We were ready and we had peace the entire journey. However, God changed our direction abruptly for a reason we cannot see or understand...and We may never. As a family we are trying to figure out what our life looks like right now. A week in, it just looks like a jumbled up mess of tears, hurt, confusion, and more pain than I care to feel. Honestly, I think that’s ok right now. Don’t get me wrong we don’t want to stay this jumbled up mess of feelings...but right now...it’s ok. We’ve wrestled with the “why” so many times this week. I think I’ve wrestled with it the most because My heart was drastically changed 9 months ago and I felt so strongly, after years of just not feeling like adoption was a path I wanted to take (although unbelievably beautiful). I didn’t like the possibility of hurt if something didn’t go right. But 9 months ago my heart was changed so strongly and with such urgency that we needed to do this. That adoption was FOR US (I still feel it is without a doubt) and I jumped in with both feet. To be honest, I’ve wrestled with God as to “why change my heart to hurt me?”, “Remember, I didn’t want this, and you changed me...for this??”.  As hard as it is for me to type those thoughts for thke world to know...I feel it’s important. Each time I asked why I didn’t get an “answer” but I got “just trust me...I know you don’t feel like it right now but hang on to me”. I am hanging on while I cry my eyes out in the shower, as we close the door to the nursery so amazingly perfect for our baby boy, as we take the car seat out of our car, as we unpack his hospital bag (and ours). I’m hanging on and I’m trusting that God is bigger than anything I am feeling. And he has NEVER left me and he isn’t going to start now. I know God has a giant plan for our family and even through the tears I hear him saying “hang on”. Some days I feel like I’ve hung on better than others but that’s part of the process. That’s part of grief and our family is truly grieving...more so than I think we imagined we ever would if “heartache would come”. Tyler has had difficulting sleeping and has been frustrated with this reality yet has a strength I admire daily.  The kids have each had their moments of reality but seem to be doing better than we expected (answer to prayer!). With that being said, As the world moves on around us and some days the silence is deafening we are hanging on to the God that gives and the God that takes away. We are going to hang on to his word that he will NEVER leave us or Forsake us. That there is a plan, a purpose, and a hope in the pain. We do ask that you continue to pray for us. That you continue to check on us (even if we don’t respond right away we are truly grateful for each and every call, text, and message...it’s amazing to know we haven’t been forgotten). Please continue to pray for this baby boy and his mom. Pray for us as life keeps moving on without this baby boy. Pray That God would heal our hearts and that we would continue to draw near to him during this time. And latestly, pray That we would find hope and peace when we need it most and that God would continue to work HIS GOOD in all this.
-Brittany