Even If you don’t, Our hope is YOU alone.

Monday (Sept 10th) started like any other day in our house...we woke up...late. Ate breakfast in the car and headed off to school. My parents were in town so when I got home from dropping the kids off my momma and I headed to the outlets to do some baby shopping. Walking into Carters again after years of being away was a dream. All the newborn/ 0-3 month clothes screamed at me. I could have taken every outfit home but settled on a handful and rushed off to meet Tyler at the field. We were heading to meet with our attorney and our birth mother to sign some “pre-birth” paperwork and to make sure everyone understood what each line meant and no questions were left unanswered. Everything was signed and we left with giant smiles on our face. Our little boy was due in two weeks and we were ready! The following days I had tried a couple times to get ahold of our birth mother. However, I got no answers. I didn’t think much of it because she admitted she is horrible at getting back with people. After about 4 days I had a feeling something wasn’t right. I started praying. A few hours later she text me something I will never forget, “ before i do anything else I want all the paper work the attorney went over on Monday”. We emailed the paperwork to her immediately and didn’t hear anything else. The next night, She sent me a simple text saying she had a lawyer looking over everything and they would get back with her on Monday about her rights and the adoption in general. This was ok, I mean, she has every right to do this. However, due to her silence over the week since we signed paperwork I was A LOT worried. We spent the entire weekend praying and a lot of it praying in Dax’s nursery. Seeking God’s voice. Wondering why now....after all the yes’s from him...why now almost a week before the baby is due is she questioning (we know its completely normal for this to happen, but it’s hard). It was the longest...and dreariest weekend of my life. Sunday arrived. I didn’t want to go to church because I just knew I would cry the entire time. However, we went. Right as we sat down, I got a text from one of my dearest friends to come sit with them in the balcony. As soon as we sat down, she asked “ ok any baby updates?” At that point I almost broke down. we shared the discouraging update and worship started. The very first song we sang started off “ My Life is in your hands, I trust it all I trust it all to you. All my dreams and all my plans I trust it all to you”. As my dear friend wrapped her arms around me I broke down. Uncontrollably sobbing. In my head I kept singing “ Dax’s life is in your hands, I trust it all to you. All my dreams and all my plans for him I trust it all to you”. It’s funny how God knows the exact song you need at church to completely free your heart to him. My heart and mind were going in a million directions just praying over and over, “God just give me peace. Give me something to hold on to. Just allow her not to change her mind”. The rest of the day was pretty quiet...yet loud with doubts,questions,and fears. That evening, we had “date night” with another set of dear friends. We told them what was going on and they had a million words of encouragement. However, on the way home, our story took a turn I had feared since the day we said “yes” to adoption. Our birth mother sent us a simple yet life changing text...she wasn’t happy with things and was no longer wanting to pursue adoption with us. I almost dropped my phone. I immediately asked if we could call her...she said we could Monday. We walked in the house greeted by our amazing kids so excited to see us. Yet we had such a heaviness I cant describe for this child that was slipping from our hands. We paid the babysitter and started getting the kids ready for bed. As I laid with Austyn-Claire she looked at me and said “ Mommy, you look sad”. I couldn’t keep it together any longer....tears streamed down my face as I looked into my sweet baby girls eyes...”well, baby...I am a little sad. You know how we said that Dax’s mommy could change her mind and decide she doesn’t want us to adopt Dax?” Her eyes looked with concern and said, “She changed her mind didn’t she mommy?” As I started to respond she cut me off and said...”Mommy I’m getting on my knees now and praying for her and Dax! God can still change her mind”. Although, that brought a little smile to my tear stained face, her child like faith inspired me. The day we decided to tell the kids about Dax we told them that we needed to pray for his mommy, and then went into “age appropriate” explanations about how she can change her mind. Austyn-Claire has prayed for Dax and his mommy every day since. Her 5 year old prayer life amazes me. However, To make a longer story just long...We called the birth mother. We got no response but left her a message simply saying we would love to talk some things through and to please call us. We told her we were praying for her and would continue to and that If she ever needed anything we were just a phone call away. That was probably the hardest voicemail I’ve ever left. I felt like I was saying good bye to my child I never got to meet. I was letting go of this precious baby boy we had prepared our hearts and lives for. Again the words to Sundays song rang through my mind, “Dax’s life is in your hands I trust it all to you”. We haven’t heard back from the birth mother and we may never. However, we know it’s not over until God says it is. But right now we are stepping back and are going to start healing and grieving. It might seem strange to some that we need to “grieve” but this child was ours. We were preparing for him as though he was growing inside me. The nursery is basically finished,We were all packed for the hospital with car seat already installed in the car. However, God has changed our plans abruptly. Yes, he could change them back but for now...we are laying down our plans and asking for God to heal our hearts and show us where to go next. We know we are called to adopt and we thought for the last 2 months that it was this little boy. However, today, God said “not right now”. As hard as it is to accept and I don’t know if we are at that point yet, we are trying to grieve a miscarriage of the heart. We are trying to seek God’s face and fall into his arms of grace. We are resting in the fact that although we thought our little boy would be in our arms next week, God has something else in store. God is FOR US and will give us all we need to move on from this heartbreak. At this point, we ask that you pray with us for strength. Not just for us but for our family. Pray that God receives all the Glory for this season of our life and that we never for a second regret giving our ALL to adoption. Pray that God continues to guide our family as we continue to seek growing our family through adoption. He is faithful and will continue to be. Our hope is in HIM alone...